1. Know or Judge what the other person needs: One of the key things to look at, if one doesn't become needy and clingy in the initial phase, is to be aware of how much you and your potential partner want to spend time together. That means having some sort of conversation directly or gradually observing your other half. Different people are different in terms of how much time they want to spend time together. It depends also lot on knowing where your relationship might be heading. Are you just a casual friend whom you are happy seeing once every 3 months? Are you more of a girlfriend and boyfriend who would like to spend time together initially to get to know each other? 

2. Know that your relationship will change:  Relationships can be like waves. Somebody would need more emotional support when they had a bad day at work, somebody died, got laid off, etc. While some people would like to spend more time when the crisis hits. Some would rather spend time alone. Relationships in the beginning can be like every waking moment I want to be with you to ok we have some trust and we are ok being a bit separate. Always see what other people want and listen to their needs.

3. Have a hobby, friends and life without that person:  It is very easy not to put someone on a pedestal if you have hit right off especially when you think that this person might be the One. Have a life without that person. Go for dinner or lunches alone or even in the Cinema. Yes alone. It might be boring but enjoying your own company is crucial. If you can't bear yourself how would others do? Also have different people in your life like friends, mentors, therapists, coaches and parents. Avoid one person to be everything of you. As you would be highly disappointed when you realise they aren't that great. It would also be very exhausting for them to be all of the people you need. 

4. Do not expect instant gratification:  People are busy despite it hardly takes a few minutes to answer a text. Some people find it very difficult to write a few things and sometimes get paralysed while communicating on apps, Twitter or Facebook. Wait for sufficient time before communicating again. Have a maximum number before you contact them. 

5. They aren't into you as much as you are: This is a hard truth sometimes you aren't their priority. Maybe it can be the wrong time in their life. They are just not that much into you. You can't please everyone. Sometimes people would not like someone for irrational reasons. You weren't tall enough, you reminded them of their ex....etc. There can be many reasons.

6. Don't take it personally: It can feel heartbreaking when anyone doesn't see you the same as you see them to be. Sometimes you hit it and both are the same wavelength and later it fizzles off. They realise something about you wasn't their value. They think they wouldn't fit in your world. You both are in different worlds. It is best to do as much to keep in touch but be detached from the outcome. 

I was once told that you meet people for  " reason, season and lifetime" when I was heartbroken as I had to leave.Been on both the sides of scale heart broken and heart breaker I feel this might be a rough guideline to just have realistic healthy relationship.

Know Thyself : It is so much important to be knowing our true self.
It involves knowing oneself : Do you like what you see?
What are your needs ? What are you willing to give/sacrifice? What are your limits without being doormat or pushover.

But problem arise when we do not have time to ponder in such powerful questions. Unlike in India where isolation is encouraged for self awareness. Western Culture advises discourage isolation of any form. Only recently meditation and mindfulness has been encouraged and even that is looked down by skeptics.

Ask yourself whether you want Relationship in question : There are few relationship which just get pushed on you " We are related because we are born in some family" or "We are related to somebody" or some stupid norm expects us to have that relationship.


Relationship Name : I am sure some relationships just fit into easily which are governed by society roles. Whereas some are when people say " It is complicated " what they really mean and that is far simple that they just don't know where relationship is or where they want to go with it.
Do you need to name it ? Maybe Name it and Shame it or sometime those synergies are better left as they are. Sometimes there are people in our life placed and maybe they are Duds or Aces depending on time you see them.

Relationship Values: Despite we all think everybody is similar and at the end we all want love, happiness and peace but how we achieve this is very different. It is very essential that are values somehow match or we are at least able to respect each other values.

Relationship Vision / Shared Vision : Most times  relationship which has gone bad or fizzle out needs a vision or shared vision. Sometimes those vision comes naturally and other times it is far difficult. Even if they are there might not be enough trust to carry out those visions.


Relationship Expectations / Negotiations : Sometimes I have been baffled with some people expectation and when I have expected same they have washed their hands and walk away.  However most annoying is when people say we expect moon and stars. We want you to jump every time and you should say " How high?" and if I was going to ask same of them they wouldn't. I am really cool not to have any expectations provided if people do not expect things from me. Sometimes they do not understand " I do not expect " from people I know who aren't capable of.

Relationship Environment : Sometimes some people including myself have done very little to make person comfortable and have asked for more. Respecting their values, culture, their lifestyle, the things they take pride in and so forth is a huge priority. Perhaps we haven't given space to be rather than we have tried to change and force our ideals.

Relationship Illusion / Disillusion Time : Some relationship really start with good intentions however reality and circumstances aren't always kind. As above Mac Burger does really look like that when taken care,under right light and in a studio with careful hands but not when it is served on McDonald while it has been just tossed around by not so clean hands.

However it is essential for a person to dream and have those illusion , goals or dreams or we wouldn't even start our work. However Reality do disillusion us and tells us when things aren't going right.

Relationship v/s Personal Boundaries : If one thing I have ever learnt from all relationship is you tell people how you want to be loved and respected in any relationship . As even though it might not feel that you have say but "ball is always in your court"

Sometimes we do not know what our personal boundaries or limitations are. One of the hard thing to do is be honest about those limitation to ourselves. Even harder than that is to communicate to others your limitation. What something is acceptable may not be acceptable to others. What is acceptable to us may not be acceptable to them.

Manage Mis-managed Expectation : That comes to next point is manage expectations. Even though this is about marriage and family this video  is great about having realistic expectation both of yours and other people who are involved in relationship.



Relationship Vision Communication : Some people want to communicate all the time whereas some people are happy communicating in 1  burst of energy. Some relationships are ok after talking daily, weekly,3 Months, 6 Months, 2 years, 10 years as really not much has changed. However more important is to communicate that shared vision of long term or even short term. We all communicate so differently too. Some people just love to meet face to face, Skype or hear somebody's voice and some would just hate doing that. Same person want to communicate differently with different people as they realize where you stand in their social circle.

People Change Can Relationship Change :  Most of the time we are really not good at looking at other people in a new light. Why ? Please look at this video. Sorry this video isn't in English but really funny !!!
1)  We are supposed to maintain our old roles and old characters.
2)  We are always behind/ ahead of somebody if we compare on different parts of our life and when we change people around us get unsettled as somehow we kind of moved their social structure.
3) Sometimes we are already ticking like a time bomb just raring to go/explode.

True relationships or perhaps lasting relationship somehow go through changes and people in relationship still come out strong.
There is no shame if they do not as long as there  is peace in knowing that we are 2 parallel lines which path would never cross.

Sweet Spot of Relationship :  You are whole and when one has done all the work in themselves
been comfortable with themselves and only then they are really ready for being in that sweet spot of relationship.

I hear all the time from friends,family and total strangers " Relationships are hard work, Relationships are difficult and sometimes frustrated victims of mine kindly Go. " You suck at relationship !" and " You are never going to have good relationship." It has led me to do bit soul searching.

Some of my reasons are these


Not enough Information: 

Google " Relationship " and there is tons of information on Romantic Relationship.
Love being one of the most basic necessity perhaps that is why it has been so much written about it.

Why not ? Until Frozen came Disney had made sure that every girl wanted her Prince Charming and could not be Women on her own right. As long as it doesn't turn men hating, women is and was more than ever capable to live their life alone. However I am not going to write about Men/Women Relationship as despite it is written so much it has left us more confused than ever. So I am going to skip as I do not want this post to be also about Romantic Relationship.

My problem with Google is that "Relationship" Search is that it doesn't have to be Romantic in nature. For all other Relationships perhaps we have to dig deeper and perhaps come up with search of Family, Parent, In laws, Child,Sibling, Friends, Colleague, Business Partner, Therapist,Spiritual, etc. with keyword Relationship.

We are conditioned to be doomed : 

Thus I moved to Books/ Movies and we all get influenced by it.

There are clearly 2 themes in them
1. People who are good
2. People who are bad.

It also gives unrealistic expectation of what your love life, family life or your life with children should be. It is those glorious dreams of having dinner together while laughing and cracking jokes.

or we are dealing antagonist/villain and some how we need somebody  to take all the blame. Sometimes it can come as repetition of who is bad toxic ex lover, pushy mother in law, nightmare partners, etc.

Problem is reality is somewhere in Grey.
Shades of Grey [ ( well definitely not talking about 50 Shades of Grey here :-) ] Mind gets boggled as at the end of the day we want to put people in boxes and there is a good reason why?  I would share that soon.

Perhaps that is why Fifty Shades of Grey was discussed so much apart from the obvious sex sells.

Very Little Experience to Exercise Free Will :

This is how we are conditioned and that is even before we  had our first relationship consciously with our own free will. ( Despite we have relationship with several people since we are born whether our grandparents, parents, siblings, cousins, school friends, chat friends,etc )

One of the biggest decision we make in our life is about finding a Partner/ Life Partner / Husband / Wife and The One.

Perhaps that is why it is so petrifying that some do not get past that. Why not ?
You are planning to share your bathroom space and all your annoying habits.

Second decision which you take is to have children. Well it was bad enough sharing your annoying habits to someone and now somebody wants to learn that too.

Apart from all the practical things we talk about finance, no time but truth is that sort of vulnerability is quiet difficult.

One doesn't choose their family, their siblings, their cousins,neighbors, their in laws, in some way decision to which school you went to was decided by your parents until you become am adult. Lucky if you went to University and that was not chosen by your parents too or they haven't influenced it.


Realistic Relationship 

Perhaps in my search for not so really ideal relationship i.e. they are neither good nor bad, not influenced by books/hollywood or my conditioning  but just to know whether it is toxic relationship or healthy relationship. I have found several  articles like this which I sort of read for relationship we have sometimes even platonic.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jennifer-twardowski/10-characteristics-of-a-healthy-relationship_b_8578954.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000046

http://www.yourtango.com/experts/yourtango-experts/warning-signs-toxic-relationship-expert

Ok, let's have a realistic relationship with somebody, anybody.
What do I mean about Realistic Relationship ?

1. Choose a Person to relate to but Choices, Choices, Choices

Social Media : I have Love/ Hate relationship with social media. It makes you connected to people from your past, present  friends and help you meet your future prospects. You are connected to anybody you want. How cool is that ? Your Role Models / Celebrities are as close as your friends. What not to like about it.

Some people are extremely good to remember more than 250 members and most are not. It is difficult enough to juggle yourself with one person. Do we just want more choices so that we can have more unfulfilled relationship when we even don't know what realistic relationship looks like ? feels like ?

We have tools but do we really know how to use it effectively.

While our Social Media life is based on how many fans or how many likes one had, it further gives no clear understanding of true proximity of relationships. Does that mean people who don't like our every updates are not close to us ? OR People who like our every post just have more time to do so?
OR Whether they value our relationship lot more than people who do not ?

So it doesn't work.

2. Try relating to them but to what ?

I should have mentioned it earlier Relationship should be about relating right !
Relate to what ?

When we know great relationship happens when we are able to be vulnerable but  how does it help
when we all have to wear different mask. It is as good as hiding behind bunkers. We are busy building our bunkers. Great walls so that real us nobody can find out.

Yes we are all cool ! and somehow social media is great for ego boosting and time log.
Does it make us Social is entirely different question as one has to start thinking about their social life.

How many friends they have ? Are they enough ? How do we compare to others?

3. We are Equal but Really we are not. 

Everybody is going to scream at me because it shakes their value of Equality and Fairness.
When 2 siblings or even 2 friends fight is because when they are compared instead of contrasted. Seeking approval among peers or love from parent is far more important. Somehow it is primal in us.

Actually this is nothing new it happened offline too. Your neighbor had new car and you had none. It is just now everybody is your neighbor. Thanks to Internet.

We have same rights as a human being but we are always discriminated positively or negatively based on our gender, race , skin color, talents, etc.

I meet lots of people who are better than me on regular basis. They are passionate, they are rich, they are talented, they are intelligent and they are better at many things. I learn from them or I admire them. I know they inspire me but I never expect them to lift me from my situation. In my recent act of desperation because something I wanted so badly I asked and I got answer which I already knew.

Is that it would be disservice to me ?

However it depends whether I took it as positively or negatively. If I took it negatively with negative emotions of jealousy or competitiveness, perhaps it would be greatest disservice from my end to them.

What most people forget is to take it positively and that means that they "See in you, what you can become "

Some of us are fortunate enough to 

have somebody that believes in us, 

even before we're able to believe in ourselves

A great video on Instant Connection , Trust and on asking for help.

4. We have to be ourselves but also Compromise.

Yuck ! Who does that ??? or more importantly how can you do that ?

What does it even mean " Be Yourself " Which Self ?

Compromise is a horrible word which especially women hears it all the time when she is supposed to get married. While Men bond over a game and compete Women have to get along and co-operate. Most men do not know how to bond otherwise with women and most women don't know what to do in competition. I think women had enough of trying to co-operate and in many instances they are forced to compete when they are at workplace. I am not entirely sure if Men knows how /needs  to co-operate or have learnt to co-operate. Perhaps the only good thing of nuclear family is that Men needs to co-operate when they play house and I am not talking about just husband/wife but brother/sister,grandfather/grandchild,etc...etc...Roles which men/women both play.


I am digressing so Being Yourself  and as I said earlier Which Self ? and despite what Mark Zuckerberg say these are all right reasons to have aliases. See below :

Perhaps that is why we need clear guidelines on who or what people are and we do mistake of putting them in boxes.Suddenly we have to start thinking of our role in their life, people's roles in our life, what need we fulfill and we have to negotiate. Guess what not  all of us are great negotiators.
We have to decide which restaurant to go to, to where we live and what time we have to get up,etc. Every time a decision which isn't based on what you would do on your own .i.e. being yourself but have done for others and perhaps in all this we lose our true identity or dream of being yourself.

Most importantly, however when we meet people they do not come with a warning sign, label or manual. Perhaps even Crystal Ball as we want to bet / spend time on those ( investment) with people who have potential.

 Perhaps it was easier when families were close, marriages were forever and  where your social life was instinctive rather than logical. Perhaps when Human Relation wasn't so calculated and time was available.


5. Relate to people but they disappoint too

It was bad enough that weather was uncertain now we have to deal with uncertainty of social life, friendship, jobs, family as a union, marriage,relationships, etc.

What is the point of buying lottery ticket if you aren't  going to win it? However clearly in my experience odds of having better relationship are better than winning lottery for majority of people.
However relationships aren't easier as buying lottery and there is more work to be done.

When you put your whole heart in your relationship and it can come as a shock to find that your relationships aren't as flawless as you believed it to be. Whether it's a simple social fatigue or focus on the physical and practical instead of the mystical. Sometimes people tend to get deeply involved in others' lives, going to great lengths and efforts to be the selfless, caring and supportive people they are, and all the while forget to take care of themselves. Both in terms of basic needs like financial stability and rest, as well as more emotional needs like mutual understanding and reciprocation. Sometimes people give much more of themselves than most are even capable of giving back. This sort of imbalance isn't sustainable, as (seemingly) one-sided generosity often leads to criticism and resentment on both sides.

We are so certainty driven that we do not realize true power of being in uncertainty. We make the uncertain certain. It takes lot to have power of vulnerability. More on this here in video:

Sometimes it is them and sometimes it is you.
AND

Sometimes you do not even know and you are accidentally making everyone hate you.
http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-ways-youre-accidentally-making-everyone-hate-you/


6. We want Lasting Relationship but Quality Relationship too please

Haven't we become really demanding and lazy both at same time ?
We want lasting quality relationship with absolutely no work.

Firstly we rate our relationship on time like how long period it  has works out for. It worked earlier as a guaranteed success quantifier of relationship but it doesn't work when quality is involved. We need better definition or quantifier to say what is good/ bad relationship?

Are we really chasing an achievable dream of lasting relationship with quality relationship ?

Perhaps having relationship which may not last longer isn't a true quantifier of  quality of relationship.

I have heard you do not get more than you are willing to give in relationship ( sometimes lucky if you get same. )

7. We want Quality Relationship but it takes 2 to Tango

Imagine a perfect world where you can change, control, criticize and correct somebody to have quality relationship with us. OR better yet, we wouldn't even need that shouldn't they be just pre programmed and should already know everything about us our likes, dislikes, our hot buttons which turns us and off.

However we are helpless when we can't do any of it and we still have to work with them,

 Just paraphasing at the end 

= We suck at relationship as we have no hope, no role model on relationship that we are going to have realistic healthy long term relationship.
= We do not have proper tools and once we have are just rudimentary.
= We have too many choices and no substance
= It is inevitable not to make someone hate you if your silence can also make everyone hate you.

= Even if we did the work, there is no guarantee that it would last. If that is definition of true good relationship.
= Better quantifier should define what is good or bad relationship. 

= Most importantly it puts us in vulnerable position which is really hard when we are surrounded in an environment where many things expect us to do opposite.