"How to know if a relationship is just a Fling?"

This is a question that was asked to me when I was in a restaurant with other 3 Women and we were just discussing relationships.  This question has come again to me.

Their question was even harder than they wanted to know how can we know even before having sex? As these women didn't want to have a disappointing morning after sex.

I am going to write this article Before Having Sex and After Sex.

If sex or your virginity is important to you.

Before Having Sex: 

1. Where are you? : Are you in a Club dancing, Summer Holiday, Christmas Office Party, Nude Beach, University Campus, etc? Are you meeting someone on Tinder? ;-) Where you meet someone is important as there are places where having sex or being touchy-feely is sort of permitted or expected. Where booze and alcohol are flowing and it is just natural for people to have casual sex or get flirty.

2. Is it just hugely Physical? Intellectual? Personality?: They are coming on really strong physically and they basically would hit whatever moves. Or Whether they are genuinely interested. Do they have roaming eyes for others in the room when you are away? All they are interested to talking about their or your physical attributes.

3. Are you attracted to them enough?: Why are you there? Are you there because you are lonely or had nothing to do on Saturday night and you tagged along with your friends? Your person of interest are you interested in them? Would you be attracted to them in different circumstances like less drunk, less lonely or desperate? Are you attracted to them by how they look, how they talk, how they dress, etc? or their personality, their abilities, and their dreams?

4. Prolong your relationship:  If you are meeting online or in person - Is your talk more about sex and very focussed on telling you how many times they masturbate or they are really naughty and need whipping? If you were a booty call and you weren't satisfying them they would probably look for somebody. You might come across as a "tease" but better safe than sorry.

5. Can you say "No"?: Nothing is sometimes more attractive than saying NO. Would they be ok just hand-holding and just giving you a hug or a kiss? If you aren't feeling it and if you got up while having sex would they be ok? Are you feeling pressurized or able to tell them how it is?

6. Do you trust them enough to know they are clean? :  It would be impossible to know whether they have any disease but are you both ok with having sex with condoms? Your health is important and it would be impossible to know whether someone doesn't have any disease unless they bought their HIV-negative Certificate. 

7. Is this the person with whom you don't mind losing your virginity or having sex? : This is the most important million-dollar question.  The risk is that it can still all be a big drama for someone to get inside your pants or even if you had a short-term relationship once you had sex your situationship is over. What do you do? You can do nothing but you need to ask this question that is the person with whom you don't mind losing your virginity or having sex and remembering just like that?

After having Sex 

Some Men and Women find it useful to know that they are sexually compatible. To have sex in a relationship or even start with strong sex-focused doesn't always mean it is a fling. Because fling can sometimes turn into a relationship. Some of these answers are the same as Before having Sex.

1. Are they attracted to you enough? : Do they just see you as dead - meat or they are genuinely concerned about you? Are they attracted to you in different ways? Physically, Mentally, Spiritually and Intellectually.

2. How do you both communicate:  Do they ghost you or breadcrumb you? Or do you do the same thing?

Or do you talk to him when you are bored and lonely? You are talking to lots of different other suitors?

Is this person for you an option or "the one"? Do you both talk about the good, bad and worse? Are you both vulnerable open and honest?

3. Are they available?: This one is common sense! but sometimes so lost. People are sometimes in a relationship with a person- when they have a mistress... and mistress can be wife, partner, career, work or money, emotionally unavailable person, etc. To be in a relationship involves a person having an open heart and time availability.

4. Do they respect you?: Are they honest enough to tell you how they feel? Do they respect you and cherish your company rather than complaining? They are sort of proud of who you are.

5. Are you in a relationship like you want? :  In this modern world, a relationship can take many different shapes. Some are with benefits ;-). Some are rebound. Some are long-distance, Some are based on sex, Some are based on money, Some are just something on the side, etc. Do you both like the shape of your relationship taking place? Do you spend enough time with each other? Are you always complaining about what can't be changed?

6. Do you both have the same values?: Are you Republican and he is Democratic? He is a Soccer Fan and you are a Baseball Fan? Do you like Marmite or Peanut Jelly Butter? You get my drift...

Can you tolerate those differences? You don't have to be what they are but can you both agree to disagree?

The next one is very important for a successful relationship.

7. Do they inspire you and support your dreams?: Life is a journey in which you can go alone faster but when you are getting a company you are planning to go further. You are looking for a partner who is as chuffed as you are for all the things you do, want to do or achieve. When you have a conversation about your dreams they aren't there always there to bust your bubble but to help you to achieve those dreams along with you.

BONUS

8. Do you see the future with them?: I am not talking about on the first date you want to have someone's million kids or get married. But marriage and kids sort of conversation just happens naturally and without anyone being scared. It should never be problematic to think of  " What kind of Car or House they would like ?", "What kind of wedding you would like?"," Whether someone would be good as a Father or Mother, etc?"

We live in very interesting times.
I am stealing this from one of my friends

" We expect things to be modern but we also expect things to be traditional."

This barrage of expectation makes it especially impossible to please anybody. Let alone your ownself.

I am very keen to talk about Birthdays and Anniversaries - not because as Men might think that why Women would want them to remember. So Strict or so annoying !
Guess what on top of it Valentine's Day as well. OMG. How many days one has to remember and truth is not that many. We do not do 3 months, first date anniversary. Nobody should unless they are into things like that.

Thankfully my husband remembers when it is my birthday and our anniversaries.
More than me. He remembers his birthday more as he gets 3 more texts to remind him it is his birthday which is automated and unnecessary. ( Then again there are 3 other people who have birthday same day as him.)

Not generalizing but this is how things are sometimes we do not realize that how much it is essential until we don't get it - bit like air. At the end of all we all want to FEEL SPECIAL ! in our own life and in life of others.

OR maybe not. Some Men are happy not being wished on their birthdays or care very little as there are just SO many people wish them that it feels bit all too much.

Just generally or Male friends I have , they do care about being treated specially on their Birthdays.

Thus their friends, girlfriends or wives seem to do everything for them and their partners just fairly want same from their partners. So if your other half has spent enough time to decorate, or book hotel and flights or bought a gift or done anything special and then expect you to do same and if you have had done half assed effort. Ofcourse then you have no right to moan or complaint and be ready to hear music.

1) Either you start planning better EVERYTHING as good or better than your partner. Don't Tell Bride anyone ?
2) Either your jokes are lame so are your efforts. Take some personal responsibility
3) Are you giver/taker ?

It really leaves a bad taste when Men doesn't return the favor. However at times it doesn't come naturally Men species to return the favor  - 1) Feeling of entitlement  2) just generally they have very short lived memory unlike women who remembers everything with emotions 3) just pure laziness 4) they really don't care enough to do the same as they do not feel there would be any consequences.  

We all are at times bad reciever so we give so that we expect. Not always but somewhere we do when we do something. It could be as simple as getting a compliment, being appreciated, being felt needed,etc....etc...or we expect people do same for us when we need to.

Given how complicate relationships can be.
Some relationships fizzle out and they are left with like nothing - nothing. BIG NO !
- like do something interesting / maybe absolutely nothing. Least Women asks is  " Can you wish me on my birthday ?"
I was very surprised when somebody forgets that as well.

There is honestly nothing else Men / Women could do but set aside one day and 5 minutes of their time to make people feel special. As at the end of it we all need that little care and ego boost.
Men would do nothing more than pleasing Women but would complaint about doing something once a year for 5 minutes.

What would be better " Oh ! you remember. " loving words and arms of your partner
OR " Damn ! Why can you not remember ? "

Not even friends and at times I have been told by other friends same thing " You remembered ! "

Technology has made it easier than ever with Google Calendar

Facebook Reminders 

and an amazing startup called Forgetful Mr.

Beware ! some sneaky people tend to not put their birthdays or even real birthdays on Facebook so that you have to work harder to figure them out. LOL !

Sorry guys most women remember their Dates.Unfortunately how much Men hate but if you see it as a fun game rather than calculate everything to money or task it is so boring !

Sometimes Work and Task can be fun too.
That is why Women get even more smarter and introduced to Astrology. It is easier to think 12 Signs and just remember more about during which month it is. So Women can be better organized and already fishing for things which you want.In any relationship what is important? Give people exactly what they want. Men aren't suppose to believe in it. Some Men take great pride in not believing in it. It is not so systematic but fun exercise of knowing and learning someone but most importantly just remember their birthdays.

I was once told that you meet people for  " reason, season and lifetime" when I was heartbroken as I had to leave.Been on both the sides of scale heart broken and heart breaker I feel this might be a rough guideline to just have realistic healthy relationship.

Know Thyself : It is so much important to be knowing our true self.
It involves knowing oneself : Do you like what you see?
What are your needs ? What are you willing to give/sacrifice? What are your limits without being doormat or pushover.

But problem arise when we do not have time to ponder in such powerful questions. Unlike in India where isolation is encouraged for self awareness. Western Culture advises discourage isolation of any form. Only recently meditation and mindfulness has been encouraged and even that is looked down by skeptics.

Ask yourself whether you want Relationship in question : There are few relationship which just get pushed on you " We are related because we are born in some family" or "We are related to somebody" or some stupid norm expects us to have that relationship.


Relationship Name : I am sure some relationships just fit into easily which are governed by society roles. Whereas some are when people say " It is complicated " what they really mean and that is far simple that they just don't know where relationship is or where they want to go with it.
Do you need to name it ? Maybe Name it and Shame it or sometime those synergies are better left as they are. Sometimes there are people in our life placed and maybe they are Duds or Aces depending on time you see them.

Relationship Values: Despite we all think everybody is similar and at the end we all want love, happiness and peace but how we achieve this is very different. It is very essential that are values somehow match or we are at least able to respect each other values.

Relationship Vision / Shared Vision : Most times  relationship which has gone bad or fizzle out needs a vision or shared vision. Sometimes those vision comes naturally and other times it is far difficult. Even if they are there might not be enough trust to carry out those visions.


Relationship Expectations / Negotiations : Sometimes I have been baffled with some people expectation and when I have expected same they have washed their hands and walk away.  However most annoying is when people say we expect moon and stars. We want you to jump every time and you should say " How high?" and if I was going to ask same of them they wouldn't. I am really cool not to have any expectations provided if people do not expect things from me. Sometimes they do not understand " I do not expect " from people I know who aren't capable of.

Relationship Environment : Sometimes some people including myself have done very little to make person comfortable and have asked for more. Respecting their values, culture, their lifestyle, the things they take pride in and so forth is a huge priority. Perhaps we haven't given space to be rather than we have tried to change and force our ideals.

Relationship Illusion / Disillusion Time : Some relationship really start with good intentions however reality and circumstances aren't always kind. As above Mac Burger does really look like that when taken care,under right light and in a studio with careful hands but not when it is served on McDonald while it has been just tossed around by not so clean hands.

However it is essential for a person to dream and have those illusion , goals or dreams or we wouldn't even start our work. However Reality do disillusion us and tells us when things aren't going right.

Relationship v/s Personal Boundaries : If one thing I have ever learnt from all relationship is you tell people how you want to be loved and respected in any relationship . As even though it might not feel that you have say but "ball is always in your court"

Sometimes we do not know what our personal boundaries or limitations are. One of the hard thing to do is be honest about those limitation to ourselves. Even harder than that is to communicate to others your limitation. What something is acceptable may not be acceptable to others. What is acceptable to us may not be acceptable to them.

Manage Mis-managed Expectation : That comes to next point is manage expectations. Even though this is about marriage and family this video  is great about having realistic expectation both of yours and other people who are involved in relationship.



Relationship Vision Communication : Some people want to communicate all the time whereas some people are happy communicating in 1  burst of energy. Some relationships are ok after talking daily, weekly,3 Months, 6 Months, 2 years, 10 years as really not much has changed. However more important is to communicate that shared vision of long term or even short term. We all communicate so differently too. Some people just love to meet face to face, Skype or hear somebody's voice and some would just hate doing that. Same person want to communicate differently with different people as they realize where you stand in their social circle.

People Change Can Relationship Change :  Most of the time we are really not good at looking at other people in a new light. Why ? Please look at this video. Sorry this video isn't in English but really funny !!!
1)  We are supposed to maintain our old roles and old characters.
2)  We are always behind/ ahead of somebody if we compare on different parts of our life and when we change people around us get unsettled as somehow we kind of moved their social structure.
3) Sometimes we are already ticking like a time bomb just raring to go/explode.

True relationships or perhaps lasting relationship somehow go through changes and people in relationship still come out strong.
There is no shame if they do not as long as there  is peace in knowing that we are 2 parallel lines which path would never cross.

Sweet Spot of Relationship :  You are whole and when one has done all the work in themselves
been comfortable with themselves and only then they are really ready for being in that sweet spot of relationship.

I hear all the time from friends,family and total strangers " Relationships are hard work, Relationships are difficult and sometimes frustrated victims of mine kindly Go. " You suck at relationship !" and " You are never going to have good relationship." It has led me to do bit soul searching.

Some of my reasons are these


Not enough Information: 

Google " Relationship " and there is tons of information on Romantic Relationship.
Love being one of the most basic necessity perhaps that is why it has been so much written about it.

Why not ? Until Frozen came Disney had made sure that every girl wanted her Prince Charming and could not be Women on her own right. As long as it doesn't turn men hating, women is and was more than ever capable to live their life alone. However I am not going to write about Men/Women Relationship as despite it is written so much it has left us more confused than ever. So I am going to skip as I do not want this post to be also about Romantic Relationship.

My problem with Google is that "Relationship" Search is that it doesn't have to be Romantic in nature. For all other Relationships perhaps we have to dig deeper and perhaps come up with search of Family, Parent, In laws, Child,Sibling, Friends, Colleague, Business Partner, Therapist,Spiritual, etc. with keyword Relationship.

We are conditioned to be doomed : 

Thus I moved to Books/ Movies and we all get influenced by it.

There are clearly 2 themes in them
1. People who are good
2. People who are bad.

It also gives unrealistic expectation of what your love life, family life or your life with children should be. It is those glorious dreams of having dinner together while laughing and cracking jokes.

or we are dealing antagonist/villain and some how we need somebody  to take all the blame. Sometimes it can come as repetition of who is bad toxic ex lover, pushy mother in law, nightmare partners, etc.

Problem is reality is somewhere in Grey.
Shades of Grey [ ( well definitely not talking about 50 Shades of Grey here :-) ] Mind gets boggled as at the end of the day we want to put people in boxes and there is a good reason why?  I would share that soon.

Perhaps that is why Fifty Shades of Grey was discussed so much apart from the obvious sex sells.

Very Little Experience to Exercise Free Will :

This is how we are conditioned and that is even before we  had our first relationship consciously with our own free will. ( Despite we have relationship with several people since we are born whether our grandparents, parents, siblings, cousins, school friends, chat friends,etc )

One of the biggest decision we make in our life is about finding a Partner/ Life Partner / Husband / Wife and The One.

Perhaps that is why it is so petrifying that some do not get past that. Why not ?
You are planning to share your bathroom space and all your annoying habits.

Second decision which you take is to have children. Well it was bad enough sharing your annoying habits to someone and now somebody wants to learn that too.

Apart from all the practical things we talk about finance, no time but truth is that sort of vulnerability is quiet difficult.

One doesn't choose their family, their siblings, their cousins,neighbors, their in laws, in some way decision to which school you went to was decided by your parents until you become am adult. Lucky if you went to University and that was not chosen by your parents too or they haven't influenced it.


Realistic Relationship 

Perhaps in my search for not so really ideal relationship i.e. they are neither good nor bad, not influenced by books/hollywood or my conditioning  but just to know whether it is toxic relationship or healthy relationship. I have found several  articles like this which I sort of read for relationship we have sometimes even platonic.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jennifer-twardowski/10-characteristics-of-a-healthy-relationship_b_8578954.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000046

http://www.yourtango.com/experts/yourtango-experts/warning-signs-toxic-relationship-expert

Ok, let's have a realistic relationship with somebody, anybody.
What do I mean about Realistic Relationship ?

1. Choose a Person to relate to but Choices, Choices, Choices

Social Media : I have Love/ Hate relationship with social media. It makes you connected to people from your past, present  friends and help you meet your future prospects. You are connected to anybody you want. How cool is that ? Your Role Models / Celebrities are as close as your friends. What not to like about it.

Some people are extremely good to remember more than 250 members and most are not. It is difficult enough to juggle yourself with one person. Do we just want more choices so that we can have more unfulfilled relationship when we even don't know what realistic relationship looks like ? feels like ?

We have tools but do we really know how to use it effectively.

While our Social Media life is based on how many fans or how many likes one had, it further gives no clear understanding of true proximity of relationships. Does that mean people who don't like our every updates are not close to us ? OR People who like our every post just have more time to do so?
OR Whether they value our relationship lot more than people who do not ?

So it doesn't work.

2. Try relating to them but to what ?

I should have mentioned it earlier Relationship should be about relating right !
Relate to what ?

When we know great relationship happens when we are able to be vulnerable but  how does it help
when we all have to wear different mask. It is as good as hiding behind bunkers. We are busy building our bunkers. Great walls so that real us nobody can find out.

Yes we are all cool ! and somehow social media is great for ego boosting and time log.
Does it make us Social is entirely different question as one has to start thinking about their social life.

How many friends they have ? Are they enough ? How do we compare to others?

3. We are Equal but Really we are not. 

Everybody is going to scream at me because it shakes their value of Equality and Fairness.
When 2 siblings or even 2 friends fight is because when they are compared instead of contrasted. Seeking approval among peers or love from parent is far more important. Somehow it is primal in us.

Actually this is nothing new it happened offline too. Your neighbor had new car and you had none. It is just now everybody is your neighbor. Thanks to Internet.

We have same rights as a human being but we are always discriminated positively or negatively based on our gender, race , skin color, talents, etc.

I meet lots of people who are better than me on regular basis. They are passionate, they are rich, they are talented, they are intelligent and they are better at many things. I learn from them or I admire them. I know they inspire me but I never expect them to lift me from my situation. In my recent act of desperation because something I wanted so badly I asked and I got answer which I already knew.

Is that it would be disservice to me ?

However it depends whether I took it as positively or negatively. If I took it negatively with negative emotions of jealousy or competitiveness, perhaps it would be greatest disservice from my end to them.

What most people forget is to take it positively and that means that they "See in you, what you can become "

Some of us are fortunate enough to 

have somebody that believes in us, 

even before we're able to believe in ourselves

A great video on Instant Connection , Trust and on asking for help.

4. We have to be ourselves but also Compromise.

Yuck ! Who does that ??? or more importantly how can you do that ?

What does it even mean " Be Yourself " Which Self ?

Compromise is a horrible word which especially women hears it all the time when she is supposed to get married. While Men bond over a game and compete Women have to get along and co-operate. Most men do not know how to bond otherwise with women and most women don't know what to do in competition. I think women had enough of trying to co-operate and in many instances they are forced to compete when they are at workplace. I am not entirely sure if Men knows how /needs  to co-operate or have learnt to co-operate. Perhaps the only good thing of nuclear family is that Men needs to co-operate when they play house and I am not talking about just husband/wife but brother/sister,grandfather/grandchild,etc...etc...Roles which men/women both play.


I am digressing so Being Yourself  and as I said earlier Which Self ? and despite what Mark Zuckerberg say these are all right reasons to have aliases. See below :

Perhaps that is why we need clear guidelines on who or what people are and we do mistake of putting them in boxes.Suddenly we have to start thinking of our role in their life, people's roles in our life, what need we fulfill and we have to negotiate. Guess what not  all of us are great negotiators.
We have to decide which restaurant to go to, to where we live and what time we have to get up,etc. Every time a decision which isn't based on what you would do on your own .i.e. being yourself but have done for others and perhaps in all this we lose our true identity or dream of being yourself.

Most importantly, however when we meet people they do not come with a warning sign, label or manual. Perhaps even Crystal Ball as we want to bet / spend time on those ( investment) with people who have potential.

 Perhaps it was easier when families were close, marriages were forever and  where your social life was instinctive rather than logical. Perhaps when Human Relation wasn't so calculated and time was available.


5. Relate to people but they disappoint too

It was bad enough that weather was uncertain now we have to deal with uncertainty of social life, friendship, jobs, family as a union, marriage,relationships, etc.

What is the point of buying lottery ticket if you aren't  going to win it? However clearly in my experience odds of having better relationship are better than winning lottery for majority of people.
However relationships aren't easier as buying lottery and there is more work to be done.

When you put your whole heart in your relationship and it can come as a shock to find that your relationships aren't as flawless as you believed it to be. Whether it's a simple social fatigue or focus on the physical and practical instead of the mystical. Sometimes people tend to get deeply involved in others' lives, going to great lengths and efforts to be the selfless, caring and supportive people they are, and all the while forget to take care of themselves. Both in terms of basic needs like financial stability and rest, as well as more emotional needs like mutual understanding and reciprocation. Sometimes people give much more of themselves than most are even capable of giving back. This sort of imbalance isn't sustainable, as (seemingly) one-sided generosity often leads to criticism and resentment on both sides.

We are so certainty driven that we do not realize true power of being in uncertainty. We make the uncertain certain. It takes lot to have power of vulnerability. More on this here in video:

Sometimes it is them and sometimes it is you.
AND

Sometimes you do not even know and you are accidentally making everyone hate you.
http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-ways-youre-accidentally-making-everyone-hate-you/


6. We want Lasting Relationship but Quality Relationship too please

Haven't we become really demanding and lazy both at same time ?
We want lasting quality relationship with absolutely no work.

Firstly we rate our relationship on time like how long period it  has works out for. It worked earlier as a guaranteed success quantifier of relationship but it doesn't work when quality is involved. We need better definition or quantifier to say what is good/ bad relationship?

Are we really chasing an achievable dream of lasting relationship with quality relationship ?

Perhaps having relationship which may not last longer isn't a true quantifier of  quality of relationship.

I have heard you do not get more than you are willing to give in relationship ( sometimes lucky if you get same. )

7. We want Quality Relationship but it takes 2 to Tango

Imagine a perfect world where you can change, control, criticize and correct somebody to have quality relationship with us. OR better yet, we wouldn't even need that shouldn't they be just pre programmed and should already know everything about us our likes, dislikes, our hot buttons which turns us and off.

However we are helpless when we can't do any of it and we still have to work with them,

 Just paraphasing at the end 

= We suck at relationship as we have no hope, no role model on relationship that we are going to have realistic healthy long term relationship.
= We do not have proper tools and once we have are just rudimentary.
= We have too many choices and no substance
= It is inevitable not to make someone hate you if your silence can also make everyone hate you.

= Even if we did the work, there is no guarantee that it would last. If that is definition of true good relationship.
= Better quantifier should define what is good or bad relationship. 

= Most importantly it puts us in vulnerable position which is really hard when we are surrounded in an environment where many things expect us to do opposite.