"How to know if a relationship is just a Fling?"

This is a question that was asked to me when I was in a restaurant with other 3 Women and we were just discussing relationships.  This question has come again to me.

Their question was even harder than they wanted to know how can we know even before having sex? As these women didn't want to have a disappointing morning after sex.

I am going to write this article Before Having Sex and After Sex.

If sex or your virginity is important to you.

Before Having Sex: 

1. Where are you? : Are you in a Club dancing, Summer Holiday, Christmas Office Party, Nude Beach, University Campus, etc? Are you meeting someone on Tinder? ;-) Where you meet someone is important as there are places where having sex or being touchy-feely is sort of permitted or expected. Where booze and alcohol are flowing and it is just natural for people to have casual sex or get flirty.

2. Is it just hugely Physical? Intellectual? Personality?: They are coming on really strong physically and they basically would hit whatever moves. Or Whether they are genuinely interested. Do they have roaming eyes for others in the room when you are away? All they are interested to talking about their or your physical attributes.

3. Are you attracted to them enough?: Why are you there? Are you there because you are lonely or had nothing to do on Saturday night and you tagged along with your friends? Your person of interest are you interested in them? Would you be attracted to them in different circumstances like less drunk, less lonely or desperate? Are you attracted to them by how they look, how they talk, how they dress, etc? or their personality, their abilities, and their dreams?

4. Prolong your relationship:  If you are meeting online or in person - Is your talk more about sex and very focussed on telling you how many times they masturbate or they are really naughty and need whipping? If you were a booty call and you weren't satisfying them they would probably look for somebody. You might come across as a "tease" but better safe than sorry.

5. Can you say "No"?: Nothing is sometimes more attractive than saying NO. Would they be ok just hand-holding and just giving you a hug or a kiss? If you aren't feeling it and if you got up while having sex would they be ok? Are you feeling pressurized or able to tell them how it is?

6. Do you trust them enough to know they are clean? :  It would be impossible to know whether they have any disease but are you both ok with having sex with condoms? Your health is important and it would be impossible to know whether someone doesn't have any disease unless they bought their HIV-negative Certificate. 

7. Is this the person with whom you don't mind losing your virginity or having sex? : This is the most important million-dollar question.  The risk is that it can still all be a big drama for someone to get inside your pants or even if you had a short-term relationship once you had sex your situationship is over. What do you do? You can do nothing but you need to ask this question that is the person with whom you don't mind losing your virginity or having sex and remembering just like that?

After having Sex 

Some Men and Women find it useful to know that they are sexually compatible. To have sex in a relationship or even start with strong sex-focused doesn't always mean it is a fling. Because fling can sometimes turn into a relationship. Some of these answers are the same as Before having Sex.

1. Are they attracted to you enough? : Do they just see you as dead - meat or they are genuinely concerned about you? Are they attracted to you in different ways? Physically, Mentally, Spiritually and Intellectually.

2. How do you both communicate:  Do they ghost you or breadcrumb you? Or do you do the same thing?

Or do you talk to him when you are bored and lonely? You are talking to lots of different other suitors?

Is this person for you an option or "the one"? Do you both talk about the good, bad and worse? Are you both vulnerable open and honest?

3. Are they available?: This one is common sense! but sometimes so lost. People are sometimes in a relationship with a person- when they have a mistress... and mistress can be wife, partner, career, work or money, emotionally unavailable person, etc. To be in a relationship involves a person having an open heart and time availability.

4. Do they respect you?: Are they honest enough to tell you how they feel? Do they respect you and cherish your company rather than complaining? They are sort of proud of who you are.

5. Are you in a relationship like you want? :  In this modern world, a relationship can take many different shapes. Some are with benefits ;-). Some are rebound. Some are long-distance, Some are based on sex, Some are based on money, Some are just something on the side, etc. Do you both like the shape of your relationship taking place? Do you spend enough time with each other? Are you always complaining about what can't be changed?

6. Do you both have the same values?: Are you Republican and he is Democratic? He is a Soccer Fan and you are a Baseball Fan? Do you like Marmite or Peanut Jelly Butter? You get my drift...

Can you tolerate those differences? You don't have to be what they are but can you both agree to disagree?

The next one is very important for a successful relationship.

7. Do they inspire you and support your dreams?: Life is a journey in which you can go alone faster but when you are getting a company you are planning to go further. You are looking for a partner who is as chuffed as you are for all the things you do, want to do or achieve. When you have a conversation about your dreams they aren't there always there to bust your bubble but to help you to achieve those dreams along with you.

BONUS

8. Do you see the future with them?: I am not talking about on the first date you want to have someone's million kids or get married. But marriage and kids sort of conversation just happens naturally and without anyone being scared. It should never be problematic to think of  " What kind of Car or House they would like ?", "What kind of wedding you would like?"," Whether someone would be good as a Father or Mother, etc?"

I recently met a wonderful girl and we had a wonderful conversation about writing. I sat in a room full of 100s of people and the person next to me was the only person I really needed to talk to on How writing helps and as usual I asked lots of questions.  I love her even though I have only seen her once and I look forward to seeing her work one day finished as I think it would really help a lot of people.

I am writing in response to this wonderful blog post

http://www.impressivity.net/movie-review-lalaland/

We both agree nothing happens by coincidence.

What is good about La La Land?

Apart from the obvious it is set in LA and it has lovely music dancing and singing.

La LaLand despite being shot in the most cheesy way and have over the top animation.

Real: The movie is real. In real life, most Love Stories do not have a happy ending.

American Dream: It also talks a lot about the reality of the life of an actress and pianist in Hollywood and the struggles they both had. Mia and Sebastian

Crossroads: It talks about crossroads in everyone's life and how making different choices would have let them live a different life. Despite I believe that you fight for things you REALLY want. I also feel that there are sometimes circumstances which are beyond our control. (a bit cowardly approach! which I don't agree with but sometimes shit

happens!) Everything happens for a reason! I don't see it that way always and I question so much but in the end, everything always makes sense.

Choices:  Despite Mia and Sebastian love each other they both could have made different choices and they both equally were selfish or career-driven. They both helped each other in their life whether Sebastian takes Mia to that acting audition or whether Mia tells Sebastian about the Jazz bar.

Amazing Ending: I would only see that movie all over again just for that movie ending. As much as we really want a happy ending sometimes reality isn't that happy.  It was sad that Mia and Sebastian couldn't be together but had they made different choices they would be in different situations, perhaps Sebastian would be driving her to some Jazz club and they would live happily ever after or they could have been really incompatible and ended up killing each other. Who knows?

Closure: It is essential for lovers to get closure to have that one correspondence, one sentiment and that one look. This isn't always possible as how ugly couples might have left or they find it overwhelming to give that closure due to various reasons.  Sometimes that's all relationship need and people need to move on. There is this one scene where Mia is horrified to see Sebastian after being a successful actress and having a husband and child. Seeing Sebastian in his own Jazz club but they both give each other one last look which says so much from "Everything is okay!", " You would be alright!" , " I am alright!"  I guess lots of couples got closure by relating with actors. Hopefully, lots of broken hearts got mended, healed or got closure and thus I think people liked this movie.

P.S: You wouldn't believe while I am writing this in a pub on TV  there is a song of La La Land. ...lol :-)

I am going to answer this question for my Single friends  who hasn't put ring on it and especially male friends who feel pressure and think they wouldn't get married as they aren't perfect marriage material. ( We still expect men to put ring on it oh ! chivalry hasn't died ) Let me rephrase this.

For all the Single Friends who aren't married. Ring or not ? Male or Female ?

I was asked " Who is Marriage Material ?" and it is such a good question as today most men and women are so confused on whether  people they love are also people whom they would have like to live and get married or not. Take them to their parents or not.

As a Woman I was led to believe that whoever I want to get married I would have to get them approved by my parents before I consider it. Before you start thinking how restrictive that is I think it is also the most sensible way as it cuts down future confusion. I know many Single friends who hates question like " How much do you earn ?" or " Do you have house?  or car?"

Let me explain it is also quiet a lot of pressure for women when she gets asked " What she is going to wear ?" , " Whether she is going to earn ?" , " Whether she is going to cook?" etc. etc.

Many men and women worry if these are the things not going to change after they get married. It is valid thing. People change ! Circumstances change ! Terms of your marriage change !

This pressure can be tremendous for both Men and Women.

I know boys who go " Oh I don't fit criteria of her parents or girls " as they always seemed a huge list of demands.

In truth very recently I realized that actually Man  also have criteria and not all girls are marriage material.  They want to know whether woman would be able to live with their parents, culture and family.  When traditionally in India husband and wife lived with their parents these all were biggest criteria but woman can feel the same about Man's criteria.

As it is found Men can go through their life with Madonna - Whore complex and as women sexuality to be discussed was taboo what makes people sure that women doesn't go through same.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Madonna%E2%80%93whore_complex

Sometimes I feel I haven't seen marriage potential in someone and they haven't in me. Only recently I realized perhaps I was /am not. Yet to be discovered.

Infact with old definition of traditional society and roles nobody is currently - and no wonder people are not getting married.

However I am talking about more than a decade ago and things change very rapidly and people in India and world around. The New roles of Men and Women have changed dramatically.

Marriage which is on some pedestal as an ultimate commitment. That it is foolishness and thus questions like when are you getting married should be stopped ?  Some clever people understand this and thus they give very little importance and say it is piece of paper. However as things need to be in moderation.

Marriage as an ideal and what it stands for isn't bad or as an institution. It is an  ULTIMATE and TOTAL commitment. You aren't ashamed with relationship you have.

However there is also another thing which most people do not realize that totality of something leads to taking it for granted.

I see when people say Marriage is killer of LOVE and ROMANCE.

Romantic or Attraction is because of the challenge it provides.

In some way it is true

So to answer the question - Who is Marriage Material ?

Starts with you - There are few tips here

http://jarridwilson.com/5-steps-to-becoming-marriage-material/

1.  Do you want marriage or do you want total commitment ? Are you just getting pressurized to get married and you are taking new pressure of marriage ? Do you just want to be able to do the "deed"   (have sex)? As such restrictions are no longer on men or women.

2. Do you want quality marriage or golden jubilee number of years to just spent time with somebody?

3. Do you believe in marriage? What it stands for you ?
Have you got REALLY strong why ? Answers like Fear of Dying Alone doesn't count or Reason like that counts but know it beforehand.

4. Here comes the second catch. If you marry for love, then love turns from all fairy tale to busy boring getting out of daily practical thing and if you are still looking for rosy movie style romance then it isn't possible. Totality and taking for granted somebody, kills Love and Romance not marriage. I wouldn't say they are exclusive but it affects our motivation.

OR Should I say are you willing to still put work on it constantly ?

5. Do you know what your criteria and other person's criteria are? Have they been told to each other ?
Can you stick with those criteria and sometimes be ok with other person changing their criteria ? Do you see men/ women to be the one can get along with your family and friends ?  ( That is very practical but important.) As an Indian think that it is only in India it is like that but I would like to inform with recent housing crisis where even 30 year olds doesn't leave their family home this is world over.

6.  Do you see this person in your life long term or you struggle? ( That is where your heart should be) More importantly whether the same person is your Madonna/ Whore. Whether you can see your boyfriend as a lover, friend and father of your child or whether you can see woman of your dreams to be your lover,friend and having your children. There is no guarantee that what you see is what your family and friends going to see too. In fact sometimes they would question that.

7. This is a big and important thing for Men. Do not think Women would compromise as she would come to my home. Despite what Indian tradition says with Woman leaving her home for her In laws.

It is actually 2 people are coming together and thus there are nuclear families in India. I believe that it is no longer women only has to leave their homes for marriage it is even for men and create a new home so they both can decide and create new life together.

For everyone else who isn't in marriage " Be a Cheer Leader" rather than " Advisor " and that is why in Indian Culture Older Parents are expected to give their blessing. There is so much pressure whether somebody parents would agree or not but real meaning for " parents to give their blessing " is they also realize their place that they aren't to intervene and be good cheer leader.  Thus I have always found Indian Culture's 4 Stages of Life, quiet interesting.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ashrama_(stage)

It doesn't mean everyone has to follow it but somehow just pressurizing youngsters to get married at 24 has lost it's true meaning and different stage of parent's life has been forgotten.

Fortunately women wants to be equal and do not want to always compromise.
This is reality of India and it made me cry with joy as progress made in those areas are phenomenal

Whether India or world, Would you be able to stand up, protect and justify when everybody else i.e. family, friends and even a stranger would have expectation of  whom you get married, what your marriage or your life is supposed to be. Somehow issue of marriage opens up door to entire world and to unsolicited advice.

8. Lastly if it all failed would you be able to forgive yourself ? So Divorce is basically you agreeing that there is a genuine failure and you have no interest in working on it. You are basically cutting your losses. You finally give up ! Imagine times when we were not honest about our relationships that was worse when marriage was one size fit all.

9. Make peace with the choices you have made or are going to make. If you think you do not want to get married that's fine. If you have decided to get married but your marriage isn't happy or going ups and downs. Decide whether you are going to work for it or not. If you aren't happy with person you are married to then divorce. If you are happy lowering your standards by being in not so quality marriage is also ok.  At the end of it all, nobody is to judge but yourself.

I am really not sure about right word here or I can't think of any folklore or character or goddess.
I don't know whether you call them Dark Guardian Angels or Dark Fairies ?

However I feel there are times when people who are there to shake you by our core/ they give you immense pain and pleasure.
It is almost compulsive for people who are doing shaking to listen to their intuition, to communicate and bring to other person's attention.

Pain which one can never understand however they also are the same people who are overlooking you as YOU remind part of them.As humans we are more keen to change something because of pain.

There is immense love however there is immense anger, sadness and pain too.

They come when they notice you, you are so off your path that they come and shake you.
They tell you about path which you haven't taken in your life.
They are also glad when you are on course and when you are there, they are happy to leave.

I know people who feel like that for me and I also know people for whom I feel like that.

It is actually very magical ! and shows how universe is so connected in life.