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Who is Marriage Material ?

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I am going to answer this question for my Single friends  who hasn't put ring on it and especially male friends who feel pressure and think they wouldn't get married as they aren't perfect marriage material. ( We still expect men to put ring on it oh ! chivalry hasn't died ) Let me rephrase this.

For all the Single Friends who aren't married. Ring or not ? Male or Female ?

I was asked " Who is Marriage Material ?" and it is such a good question as today most men and women are so confused on whether  people they love are also people whom they would have like to live and get married or not. Take them to their parents or not.

As a Woman I was led to believe that whoever I want to get married I would have to get them approved by my parents before I consider it. Before you start thinking how restrictive that is I think it is also the most sensible way as it cuts down future confusion. I know many Single friends who hates question like " How much do you earn ?" or " Do you have house?  or car?"

Let me explain it is also quiet a lot of pressure for women when she gets asked " What she is going to wear ?" , " Whether she is going to earn ?" , " Whether she is going to cook?" etc. etc.

Many men and women worry if these are the things not going to change after they get married. It is valid thing. People change ! Circumstances change ! Terms of your marriage change !

This pressure can be tremendous for both Men and Women.

I know boys who go " Oh I don't fit criteria of her parents or girls " as they always seemed a huge list of demands.

In truth very recently I realized that actually Man  also have criteria and not all girls are marriage material.  They want to know whether woman would be able to live with their parents, culture and family.  When traditionally in India husband and wife lived with their parents these all were biggest criteria but woman can feel the same about Man's criteria.

As it is found Men can go through their life with Madonna - Whore complex and as women sexuality to be discussed was taboo what makes people sure that women doesn't go through same.

Sometimes I feel I haven't seen marriage potential in someone and they haven't in me. Only recently I realized perhaps I was /am not. Yet to be discovered.

Infact with old definition of traditional society and roles nobody is currently - and no wonder people are not getting married.

However I am talking about more than a decade ago and things change very rapidly and people in India and world around. The New roles of Men and Women have changed dramatically.

Marriage which is on some pedestal as an ultimate commitment. That it is foolishness and thus questions like when are you getting married should be stopped ?  Some clever people understand this and thus they give very little importance and say it is piece of paper. However as things need to be in moderation.

Marriage as an ideal and what it stands for isn't bad or as an institution. It is an  ULTIMATE and TOTAL commitment. You aren't ashamed with relationship you have.

However there is also another thing which most people do not realize that totality of something leads to taking it for granted.

I see when people say Marriage is killer of LOVE and ROMANCE.

Romantic or Attraction is because of the challenge it provides.

In some way it is true

So to answer the question - Who is Marriage Material ?

Starts with you - There are few tips here

1.  Do you want marriage or do you want total commitment ? Are you just getting pressurized to get married and you are taking new pressure of marriage ? Do you just want to be able to do the "deed"   (have sex)? As such restrictions are no longer on men or women.

2. Do you want quality marriage or golden jubilee number of years to just spent time with somebody?

3. Do you believe in marriage? What it stands for you ?
Have you got REALLY strong why ? Answers like Fear of Dying Alone doesn't count or Reason like that counts but know it beforehand.

4. Here comes the second catch. If you marry for love, then love turns from all fairy tale to busy boring getting out of daily practical thing and if you are still looking for rosy movie style romance then it isn't possible. Totality and taking for granted somebody, kills Love and Romance not marriage. I wouldn't say they are exclusive but it affects our motivation.

OR Should I say are you willing to still put work on it constantly ?

5. Do you know what your criteria and other person's criteria are? Have they been told to each other ?
Can you stick with those criteria and sometimes be ok with other person changing their criteria ? Do you see men/ women to be the one can get along with your family and friends ?  ( That is very practical but important.) As an Indian think that it is only in India it is like that but I would like to inform with recent housing crisis where even 30 year olds doesn't leave their family home this is world over.

6.  Do you see this person in your life long term or you struggle? ( That is where your heart should be) More importantly whether the same person is your Madonna/ Whore. Whether you can see your boyfriend as a lover, friend and father of your child or whether you can see woman of your dreams to be your lover,friend and having your children. There is no guarantee that what you see is what your family and friends going to see too. In fact sometimes they would question that.

7. This is a big and important thing for Men. Do not think Women would compromise as she would come to my home. Despite what Indian tradition says with Woman leaving her home for her In laws.

It is actually 2 people are coming together and thus there are nuclear families in India. I believe that it is no longer women only has to leave their homes for marriage it is even for men and create a new home so they both can decide and create new life together.

For everyone else who isn't in marriage " Be a Cheer Leader" rather than " Advisor " and that is why in Indian Culture Older Parents are expected to give their blessing. There is so much pressure whether somebody parents would agree or not but real meaning for " parents to give their blessing " is they also realize their place that they aren't to intervene and be good cheer leader.  Thus I have always found Indian Culture's 4 Stages of Life, quiet interesting.

It doesn't mean everyone has to follow it but somehow just pressurizing youngsters to get married at 24 has lost it's true meaning and different stage of parent's life has been forgotten.

Fortunately women wants to be equal and do not want to always compromise.
This is reality of India and it made me cry with joy as progress made in those areas are phenomenal

Whether India or world, Would you be able to stand up, protect and justify when everybody else i.e. family, friends and even a stranger would have expectation of  whom you get married, what your marriage or your life is supposed to be. Somehow issue of marriage opens up door to entire world and to unsolicited advice.

8. Lastly if it all failed would you be able to forgive yourself ? So Divorce is basically you agreeing that there is a genuine failure and you have no interest in working on it. You are basically cutting your losses. You finally give up ! Imagine times when we were not honest about our relationships that was worse when marriage was one size fit all.

9. Make peace with the choices you have made or are going to make. If you think you do not want to get married that's fine. If you have decided to get married but your marriage isn't happy or going ups and downs. Decide whether you are going to work for it or not. If you aren't happy with person you are married to then divorce. If you are happy lowering your standards by being in not so quality marriage is also ok.  At the end of it all, nobody is to judge but yourself.

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