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Why do we suck at relationships ?

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I hear all the time from friends,family and total strangers " Relationships are hard work, Relationships are difficult and sometimes frustrated victims of mine kindly Go. " You suck at relationship !" and " You are never going to have good relationship." It has led me to do bit soul searching.

Some of my reasons are these

Not enough Information: 

Google " Relationship " and there is tons of information on Romantic Relationship.
Love being one of the most basic necessity perhaps that is why it has been so much written about it.

Why not ? Until Frozen came Disney had made sure that every girl wanted her Prince Charming and could not be Women on her own right. As long as it doesn't turn men hating, women is and was more than ever capable to live their life alone. However I am not going to write about Men/Women Relationship as despite it is written so much it has left us more confused than ever. So I am going to skip as I do not want this post to be also about Romantic Relationship.

My problem with Google is that "Relationship" Search is that it doesn't have to be Romantic in nature. For all other Relationships perhaps we have to dig deeper and perhaps come up with search of Family, Parent, In laws, Child,Sibling, Friends, Colleague, Business Partner, Therapist,Spiritual, etc. with keyword Relationship.

We are conditioned to be doomed : 

Thus I moved to Books/ Movies and we all get influenced by it.

There are clearly 2 themes in them
1. People who are good
2. People who are bad.

It also gives unrealistic expectation of what your love life, family life or your life with children should be. It is those glorious dreams of having dinner together while laughing and cracking jokes.

or we are dealing antagonist/villain and some how we need somebody  to take all the blame. Sometimes it can come as repetition of who is bad toxic ex lover, pushy mother in law, nightmare partners, etc.

Problem is reality is somewhere in Grey.
Shades of Grey [ ( well definitely not talking about 50 Shades of Grey here :-) ] Mind gets boggled as at the end of the day we want to put people in boxes and there is a good reason why?  I would share that soon.

Perhaps that is why Fifty Shades of Grey was discussed so much apart from the obvious sex sells.

Very Little Experience to Exercise Free Will :

This is how we are conditioned and that is even before we  had our first relationship consciously with our own free will. ( Despite we have relationship with several people since we are born whether our grandparents, parents, siblings, cousins, school friends, chat friends,etc )

One of the biggest decision we make in our life is about finding a Partner/ Life Partner / Husband / Wife and The One.

Perhaps that is why it is so petrifying that some do not get past that. Why not ?
You are planning to share your bathroom space and all your annoying habits.

Second decision which you take is to have children. Well it was bad enough sharing your annoying habits to someone and now somebody wants to learn that too.

Apart from all the practical things we talk about finance, no time but truth is that sort of vulnerability is quiet difficult.

One doesn't choose their family, their siblings, their cousins,neighbors, their in laws, in some way decision to which school you went to was decided by your parents until you become am adult. Lucky if you went to University and that was not chosen by your parents too or they haven't influenced it.

Realistic Relationship 

Perhaps in my search for not so really ideal relationship i.e. they are neither good nor bad, not influenced by books/hollywood or my conditioning  but just to know whether it is toxic relationship or healthy relationship. I have found several  articles like this which I sort of read for relationship we have sometimes even platonic.

Ok, let's have a realistic relationship with somebody, anybody.
What do I mean about Realistic Relationship ?

1. Choose a Person to relate to but Choices, Choices, Choices

Social Media : I have Love/ Hate relationship with social media. It makes you connected to people from your past, present  friends and help you meet your future prospects. You are connected to anybody you want. How cool is that ? Your Role Models / Celebrities are as close as your friends. What not to like about it.

Some people are extremely good to remember more than 250 members and most are not. It is difficult enough to juggle yourself with one person. Do we just want more choices so that we can have more unfulfilled relationship when we even don't know what realistic relationship looks like ? feels like ?

We have tools but do we really know how to use it effectively.

While our Social Media life is based on how many fans or how many likes one had, it further gives no clear understanding of true proximity of relationships. Does that mean people who don't like our every updates are not close to us ? OR People who like our every post just have more time to do so?
OR Whether they value our relationship lot more than people who do not ?

So it doesn't work.

2. Try relating to them but to what ?

I should have mentioned it earlier Relationship should be about relating right !
Relate to what ?

When we know great relationship happens when we are able to be vulnerable but  how does it help
when we all have to wear different mask. It is as good as hiding behind bunkers. We are busy building our bunkers. Great walls so that real us nobody can find out.

Yes we are all cool ! and somehow social media is great for ego boosting and time log.
Does it make us Social is entirely different question as one has to start thinking about their social life.

How many friends they have ? Are they enough ? How do we compare to others?

3. We are Equal but Really we are not. 

Everybody is going to scream at me because it shakes their value of Equality and Fairness.
When 2 siblings or even 2 friends fight is because when they are compared instead of contrasted. Seeking approval among peers or love from parent is far more important. Somehow it is primal in us.

Actually this is nothing new it happened offline too. Your neighbor had new car and you had none. It is just now everybody is your neighbor. Thanks to Internet.

We have same rights as a human being but we are always discriminated positively or negatively based on our gender, race , skin color, talents, etc.

I meet lots of people who are better than me on regular basis. They are passionate, they are rich, they are talented, they are intelligent and they are better at many things. I learn from them or I admire them. I know they inspire me but I never expect them to lift me from my situation. In my recent act of desperation because something I wanted so badly I asked and I got answer which I already knew.

Is that it would be disservice to me ?

However it depends whether I took it as positively or negatively. If I took it negatively with negative emotions of jealousy or competitiveness, perhaps it would be greatest disservice from my end to them.

What most people forget is to take it positively and that means that they "See in you, what you can become "

Some of us are fortunate enough to 
have somebody that believes in us, 
even before we're able to believe in ourselves

A great video on Instant Connection , Trust and on asking for help.

4. We have to be ourselves but also Compromise.

Yuck ! Who does that ??? or more importantly how can you do that ?

What does it even mean " Be Yourself " Which Self ?

Compromise is a horrible word which especially women hears it all the time when she is supposed to get married. While Men bond over a game and compete Women have to get along and co-operate. Most men do not know how to bond otherwise with women and most women don't know what to do in competition. I think women had enough of trying to co-operate and in many instances they are forced to compete when they are at workplace. I am not entirely sure if Men knows how /needs  to co-operate or have learnt to co-operate. Perhaps the only good thing of nuclear family is that Men needs to co-operate when they play house and I am not talking about just husband/wife but brother/sister,grandfather/grandchild,etc...etc...Roles which men/women both play.

I am digressing so Being Yourself  and as I said earlier Which Self ? and despite what Mark Zuckerberg say these are all right reasons to have aliases. See below :

Perhaps that is why we need clear guidelines on who or what people are and we do mistake of putting them in boxes.Suddenly we have to start thinking of our role in their life, people's roles in our life, what need we fulfill and we have to negotiate. Guess what not  all of us are great negotiators.
We have to decide which restaurant to go to, to where we live and what time we have to get up,etc. Every time a decision which isn't based on what you would do on your own .i.e. being yourself but have done for others and perhaps in all this we lose our true identity or dream of being yourself.

Most importantly, however when we meet people they do not come with a warning sign, label or manual. Perhaps even Crystal Ball as we want to bet / spend time on those ( investment) with people who have potential.

 Perhaps it was easier when families were close, marriages were forever and  where your social life was instinctive rather than logical. Perhaps when Human Relation wasn't so calculated and time was available.

5. Relate to people but they disappoint too

It was bad enough that weather was uncertain now we have to deal with uncertainty of social life, friendship, jobs, family as a union, marriage,relationships, etc.

What is the point of buying lottery ticket if you aren't  going to win it? However clearly in my experience odds of having better relationship are better than winning lottery for majority of people.
However relationships aren't easier as buying lottery and there is more work to be done.

When you put your whole heart in your relationship and it can come as a shock to find that your relationships aren't as flawless as you believed it to be. Whether it's a simple social fatigue or focus on the physical and practical instead of the mystical. Sometimes people tend to get deeply involved in others' lives, going to great lengths and efforts to be the selfless, caring and supportive people they are, and all the while forget to take care of themselves. Both in terms of basic needs like financial stability and rest, as well as more emotional needs like mutual understanding and reciprocation. Sometimes people give much more of themselves than most are even capable of giving back. This sort of imbalance isn't sustainable, as (seemingly) one-sided generosity often leads to criticism and resentment on both sides.

We are so certainty driven that we do not realize true power of being in uncertainty. We make the uncertain certain. It takes lot to have power of vulnerability. More on this here in video:

Sometimes it is them and sometimes it is you.

Sometimes you do not even know and you are accidentally making everyone hate you.

6. We want Lasting Relationship but Quality Relationship too please

Haven't we become really demanding and lazy both at same time ?
We want lasting quality relationship with absolutely no work.

Firstly we rate our relationship on time like how long period it  has works out for. It worked earlier as a guaranteed success quantifier of relationship but it doesn't work when quality is involved. We need better definition or quantifier to say what is good/ bad relationship?

Are we really chasing an achievable dream of lasting relationship with quality relationship ?

Perhaps having relationship which may not last longer isn't a true quantifier of  quality of relationship.

I have heard you do not get more than you are willing to give in relationship ( sometimes lucky if you get same. )

7. We want Quality Relationship but it takes 2 to Tango

Imagine a perfect world where you can change, control, criticize and correct somebody to have quality relationship with us. OR better yet, we wouldn't even need that shouldn't they be just pre programmed and should already know everything about us our likes, dislikes, our hot buttons which turns us and off.

However we are helpless when we can't do any of it and we still have to work with them,

 Just paraphasing at the end 

= We suck at relationship as we have no hope, no role model on relationship that we are going to have realistic healthy long term relationship.
= We do not have proper tools and once we have are just rudimentary.
= We have too many choices and no substance
= It is inevitable not to make someone hate you if your silence can also make everyone hate you.
= Even if we did the work, there is no guarantee that it would last. If that is definition of true good relationship.
= Better quantifier should define what is good or bad relationship. 
= Most importantly it puts us in vulnerable position which is really hard when we are surrounded in an environment where many things expect us to do opposite.
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